Cascadian Free State
}} The CFS Propaganda Services, Office of Psychological Warfare has deemed this document to be of low sensitivity, and fit for declassification. Касќедия Мать! Geography and People Привéт! Welcome to the Cascadian Free State, formerly British Columbia, Washington, Oregon and northern California. The rugged, unused coastline is massively diverse, ranging from fjords to beaches where precipitous cliffs rise out of pounding surf. Mountains are visible in the distance—lofty, majestic, covered with snow. Tall, ancient evergreens cover the land between with a mantle of green. Fertile farms spread across the Palouse country and Willamette Valley. Cities, where they exist, are innovative centers of technology and culture, renowned throughout Planet Bob for their happy, industrious citizens. This is the Cascadian Free State, a geographically diverse nation that stretches from northern California through southern Alaska, from the Pacific Ocean to the Rocky Mountains. An important element of its regional character is the nations relative isolation from the rest of North America. Populated sections of the region are separated from the other principal population centers by substantial distances of arid or mountainous terrain. Residents of the region often view this isolation as positive, a geographic buffer against the rest of the world, particularly the polyglot mixture of feudal, theocratic, or despotic nation states which were once called The United States of America, which lay to the east and south. Economy From an industrial standpoint, the CFS was born with a silver spoon in its nether-regions, inheriting extremely profitable commercial and manufacturing entities from the former USA. Aerospace technology, information technology, and a world-class maritime infrastructure have made the CFS a beacon of commerce and trade on Planet Bob. Its chief exports include: *Computer Software/Hardware *Agricultural products (mainly fruits and wheat) *Precious Stones *The Popiel Pocket Inflation Calculator *Mail-order Brides History After a brief civil war within the United States of America, the Cascadian Free State (CFS) was officially founded on February 14, 2007. Led by the socialist revolutionary Senhart, mastermind of the failed Guinness Promotional Night Putsch, the People's Army of Cascadia were a polyglot mixture of Orthodox Leninists, Social Libertarians, Democratic Socialists, and Ninja-Zen Masters. The People's Army of Cascadia was able to take over all major population centers in the Pacific Northwest, except Portland, Oregon where there was fierce urban combat, by using a secret mass-brainwashing electro-magnetic pulse generator thingymabob. With the push of a button, a red shiny button, comrade Senhart unleashed instant enlightenment to all who were in reach of this new Autocranialrectalreversalfacilitatomometer. A glorious day indeed. The Life and Times of Senhart While little is known of Senhart's early years, he enters modern political memory with a bang in the summer of 2006. Although some of the details are sketchy, after attending a renaissance fair, where they had gone to watch a caber tossing event, Senhart and his ultra-lefty friends went to relax and talk politics at a local public house. The pub, courtesy of Guinness, was having a promotional night, which led to the severe inebriation of all in attendance. After drunkly preaching on the ills of modern society, Senhart led his rag-tag, severely drunk comrades on what would become known as the Guinness Promotional Night Putsch. Under cover of darkness, the newly militant group marched to the State Legislature building in Olympia, Washington, U.S.A., where they planned on mercilessly heckling regional lawmakers. Dressed only in kilts and black masks, the protesters had not taken into account that it was nighttime, and the legislature would not be in session for several more weeks. No targets were present to receive their wrath. According to witnesses of the event, the militants seemed to have no organization or purpose other than to T.P. the government building. The next morning, Senhart and his comrades were arrested where they had fallen asleep on the lawn of the Legislature. The charge, possibly due to the kilts, was public indecency. Although ultimately deemed a failure, the Guinness Promotional Night Putsch managed to make Senhart an iconic figurehead of the socialist movement in the Pacific Northwest. While imprisoned in the Pierce County jail following the failed, Guinness fueled uprising, Senhart wrote Mein Hangover. This seminal document touched the hearts, and awoke the socialist yearning of millions throughout the Pacific Northwest...actually only about 12. One of Senhart's early converts, Dr. Matthius Trotskyistemmeffer, was so inspired by this masterpiece, he vowed to create a machine that would "make people pull their heads out of there butts," and usher in a socialist paradise. He would eventually go on to create the Autocranialrectalreversalfacilitatomometer. Expansion and War With Eatonville Aided by Dr. Trotskistemmeffer's Autocranialrectalreversalfacilitatomometer, Senhart led a huge rebellion, taking control over much of Washington. After storming the capital, Senhart's forces moved south to take Portland to the south, before the could do that however, they had to move through the small town of Eatonville. The leaders of the town weren't willing to let Socialists go through their town without a fight, and thus on April 17, 2008, 50 Eatonvillian militiamen met 200 CFS troops passing through the tiny hamlet of Kapowisin, the Militiamen opened fire on the Socialist troops, killing a dozen and wounding 45 others. The CFS troops fired back, killing 24 and wounding 12. The Eatonvillians bolted into the forest, while the CFS soldiers didn't pursue. This engagement, known as the First Battle of Kapowisin, began a bloody six month long war known as the Battle for Eatonville, in which 900 people were killed, 1000 wounded, and 7 CFS troops taken prisoner, tortured and brutally murdered. This disastrous war caused the CFS Military Command to move to Portland by going by way of I-5, taking Aberdeen, Centralia, and Vancouver in the process, and paved the way for the costly Battle of Portland. Today, Eatonville has been set aside as a semi-autonomous hamlet. The Battle of Portland Recently released documents from the CFS historical archives show that the Battle of Portland was totally unanticipated. Historians and physicists alike are currently debating the reasons why the Autocranialrectalreversalfacilitatomometer did not work on this segment of the population. The theory which currently holds the most credence is that due to the already large number of socialists in the greater Portland area, the brain-washing device had the opposite effect than in other areas. Rather than removing craniums from rectums, it actually inserted them. As a result, many residents of the area became snake-handling lunatics. The cries of, "All hail Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, and O'Rielly!" still haunt the survivors of that battle. Neighborhood by neighborhood, and street by street, the People's Army of Cascadia was forced to root out and kill those who they had hoped would be their allies. In his memoir, Becoming a Socialist Revolutionary for Dummies, Senhart describes a scene from the battle: "As we crossed the Burnside Bridge, the fanaticism of our enemy was apparent for all to see. They were wrapped up in American flags, some of them carrying their own children. They rushed headlong into our ranks, screaming like banshees, throwing molotov cocktails...it was pandemonium. As we saw it, they were dead already." In total, over 35,000 Portlander's died in the battle, which raged for two weeks. On February 9, 2009, Senhart negotiated a settlement with the remaining Portland militias, allowing them free passage to the east, and out of what was to become the Cascadian Free State. New Nation, New Challenges: NATO and the KARMA War As a new nation, eager to make its mark on Planet Bob, the CFS initially allied with The Rising Sun. Soon thereafter the alliance fell apart. At the end of this turbulent period the CFS entered NATO, where it stayed for two years. They were days of growth, abundance, and camaraderie for the CFS, but they wouldn't last long. The Karma War in the spring of 2009 radicalized the formerly peaceful people of the CFS into bloodthirsty beasts. Fighting against impossible odds, CFS forces managed to send several nations into anarchy before they were contained by member nations of The International and Dark Fist. The conflict forced the CFS to reevaluate its geo-political role on Planet Bob. On May 15, 2009 the iconic figurehead of the CFS, Senhart, gave his famous, "WTF!?," speech on the shores of Lake Chelan, where he stated, "From this day forth, our glorious socialist state will no longer tether herself to alliances simply for economic stability! I mean, really, it's a flippin' game, OK? Have fun with it and join an alliance based on ideology! Hey, are those donuts?" Following his moving words, Senhart unveiled the Solidarity Memorial to honor the fallen heroes of the Cascadian Free State, as well as those from the International who had lost their lives on that very ground. The Cascadian Free State allied itself with the Libertarian Socialist Federation on May 22, 2009 where it remains to this day. The Nutsacajawea War Although all reports had shown that the anti-CFS forces who fled Portland had moved beyond the Rocky Mountains, a small contingent had remained behind in the Bitterroot Mountains, just to the east of Couer d'Alene. The leader of these forces, Ted von Preußen brought his forces out of hiding on July 3, 2009, (inside sources say that he had been on a three-day drinking binge, and actually thought it was the 4th of July) and began attacking strategic infrastructure on the outskirts of Spokane. Two heavy infantry divisions, led by Senhart, met Ted von Preußen's army on July 6. Intense fighting continued for several days, before the two leaders met on the battlefield to discuss a truce. Although the CFS forces heavily outnumbered the rebels, Senhart was magnanimous enough not to slaughter them all. He's pretty cool like that. Over copious amounts of beer, the commanders discovered that, while they held differing ideologies, they could coexist in peace. A formal peace was signed on July 8, 2009, which recognized the sovereignty of both parties. On July 19, 2009, Ted von Preußen founded the Republic of Bruce (RoB). Today, the CFS and RoB maintain close ties, and have signed the Nutsac Treaty which ensures continual peace, regardless of any future alliance politics. The Cascadian Free State and the Libertarian Socialist Federation Following the "WTF?!" speech, it was clear that Senhart had a mandate from the people of the CFS to formulate foreign relations from an ideological perspective. While the Cascadian Free State remained a socialist democracy, the ideals represented by Libertarian Socialism as can be found in the Libertarian Socialist Federation, promised an alliance based on direct democracy. In the words of the famous LSF'er Trikoupis, there were "no lords here." The Cascadian Free State was welcomed into the LSF with open arms on May 22, 2009. Almost immediately, Senhart from the CFS was put to work as a coordinator for Division 1 of the LSF Black Gaurds, The People's Fist. Also, as a recent arrival Senhart created a Big Brother/Big Sister program to pair larger, more experienced nations with newly formed countries to aid in growth, and to share their knowledge of Planet Bob. The Libertarian Socialist Federation has proven to be a massive boon to the Cascadian Free State. Programs within this glorious alliance, such as the commune provide nations, both large and small, opportunities for growth that are unparalleled on Planet Bob. During the summer of 2009, The Cascadian Free State engaged in a massive foreign aid campaign to help member states of the LSF fight off ever increasing attacks by small rogues, and eventually a massive rogue nation. These incursions ranged from small raids to all out nuclear exchanges, and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the LSF was willing and capable of mounting effective and merciless military campaigns to defend its member states. Senhart is the acting Coordinator of War Preparation for the Libertarian Socialist Federation. The CFS, and the Cluster%@#! War On February 7, 2010, the Libertarian Socialist Federation entered the fray of what has unofficially been dubbed the ClusterF@#k War, in support of its staunch allies, NATO. The Peoples Army of Cascadia were among the first to committ to battle under the LSF war banner. While in a larger sense the LSF and the Cascadian Free State fought on the losing side of the struggle, the CFS was massively victorious in its own campaigns against the enemy. In the process, nuclear hell was unleashed upon member states of the GOONS. Foreign Relations Nutsac Treaty The Cascadian Free State, under the terms of the Nutsac Treaty declares that it will never, under any circumstances, commit acts of war, espionage, or aid nations engaged in war or espionage against the Republic of Bruce. The Republic of Bruce declares that it will never, under any circumstances, commit acts of war, espionage, or aid nations engaged in war or espionage against the Cascadian Free State. Diplomatic Positions Senhart of the Cascadian Free State holds several diplomatic posts for the LSF. They are as follows: No Active Diplomatic Duties Category:Cascadian Free State Category:Nations of North America